**8-)**

[kalamity_jane]

A little dated now, but still relevant and very funny…..

Date: 2005-06-24, 11:54AM PDT

Dear Red States…

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we’re taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.(Things have changed....there are more now)

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their
children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our
resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

[tween5and99]

Priceless! Thank you for making my day...once again. Any idea who the author is?

[kalamity_jane]

When I read that I totally lost it...I wish I knew who wrote it. I found it in the comments here,

http://www.themudflats.net/2009/02/04/palin-responds-to...

Palin Responds to Defenders of Wildlife.



Look in that thread.....

Gotta love those Mudflaters...all things Alaska

KJ

[kalamity_jane]

[kalamity_jane]

Taoism
Sh*t happens.

Buddhism
If sh*t happens, it's not really sh*t.

Islam
If sh*t happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism
Sh*t happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism
Why does this sh*t always happen to us?

Hinduism
This sh*t happened before.

Catholicism
Sh*t happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna
Sh*t happens rama rama.

T.V. Evangelism
Send more sh*t.

Atheism
No sh*t.

Jehova's Witness
Knock knock, sh*t happens.

Hedonism
There's nothing like a good sh*t
happening.

Christian Science
Sh*t happens in your mind.

Agnosticism
Maybe sh*t happens, maybe it
doesn't.

Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this sh*t.

Existentialism
What is sh*t anyway?

Stoicism
This sh*t doesn't bother me.

[kalamity_jane]

[kalamity_jane]

[kalamity_jane]

[tween5and99]

Flying spaghetti monster, how I wish I could come up with this stuff.

Thanks KJ.

[kalamity_jane]

http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/20445

G.O.P. Rehearsing Grumpy Facial Expressions for Obama's Speech
February 24, 2009


As President Barack Obama prepares to make his first address to a joint session of Congress, G.O.P. leaders revealed today that their membership has been busy rehearsing grumpy facial expressions for the televised event.

While no text of the President's address has been released to the press, Republican leaders have already promised to respond to it with the grouchiest facial expressions in history.

"I've instructed my members, when the camera cuts to you, look like someone pissed in your cornflakes," said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY.)

To ensure that their faces look as stricken as possible, Republicans have been drawing inspiration from disparate sources, such as the look Frank Langella gave when Hugh Jackman sat on his lap and Glen Campbell's mug shot.

For his part, President Obama hopes to make history tonight by delivering the congressional address in English for the first time in eight years.